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We all know those couples where the woman ‘wears the pants’ as the saying goes. Wait a second, I can list… five such couples – off the top of my head – where the woman is the dominant one. Let me think for a second longer… Okay, all but one couple (out of all the hundreds of people I know and have known) conform to this sickening status quo: the woman wearing the pants in the relationship. 

To elaborate, ‘wearing the pants’ means setting the tone. Whoever doesn’t wear the pants is usually trying to please their ‘partner’ (fuck I hate that word) whenever they are with them. And whoever doesn’t wear the pants wears the dress, by process of elimination. It’s time to start shaming these men for not growing a pair.

Anyway, when these skewed couples are apart from eachother, the dress-wearing male might slander his girlfriend’s name, denounce her power over him, and generally return to his normal, male, form. However, together they form an item that spits in the face of evolutionary psychology. I’ll give you an example:

I was at a club dinner the other week, seated at a table of fairly uninteresting people. It turns out the girl I was talking to earlier was seated, with her boyfriend, at my table. Earlier, whilst away from her boyfriend, this girl was meek and softly spoken. Her boyfriend – let’s call him Wheatley because he was a milquetoast – was in a twisted relationship with her – may she be named Heidi. Now, Heidi was a very boring person in my company, barely holding up her end of the conversation. All she seemed capable of doing was smiling and nodding. She was moderately attractive, in the sense that store-bought shredded mozzarella cheese is a moderately strong cheese. Having been bored sufficiently by her lack of conversational flair, I ejected myself from the set of dinner-goers. My heart sank a little bit when I saw her seated at my table. 

Cut to the dinner proper: So Wheatley was even more boring than Heidi, except that he would talk your ear off, and he tended to dominate the conversation even though everybody wished he would just quietly leave. But then something funny happens. We’re talking about different types of beer, and Heidi elbows Wheatley and then whispers something in his ear. I couldn’t make out what she said, but he proceeded to apologise. He then tried to change the subject, evidently because she didn’t want him to talk about beer. Normally I don’t judge when a girlfriend metaphorically puts her boyfriend in a testicular vice and controls his every breath. But when her domineering ways change the dynamic of a whole group of people, I won’t take it. I interrupted his attempts to change the subject and told him about a beer I’d tried a few weeks ago called Torpedo (2 standards in one bottle, WIN!). He squirmed and apologised again to Heidi. Point taken, I turned to the guy next to me and told him about the awesomeness of Torpedo beer.

Later on, some chocolate fondue was being served. I shit you not, Wheatley actually asked Heidi for permission to go and get her some fondue. He said, “Heidi, is it okay if I get some fondue? I’ll get you some, too!” My heart sank even further. I only wish this girl had had a slightly stronger voice than an emphysemic mouse, because I couldn’t hear her response. Apparently Heidi had given him the all-clear to go and get himself and her some fondue. I nearly threw up in my mouth, because the gravity of what just happened hit me like a ton of horses shit: this poor Wheatley probably has to ask his precious Heidi permission to use the toilet. 

Needless to say I skipped the fondue and went outside to pollute my lungs and talk to some French people. Kids, the lesson to be taken from this little parable is that YOU MUST TAKE THE REINS early on in a relationship. Otherwise you’ll just be a reindeer like Rudolph, yanahmean? Seeing couples like this (and believe me, in Australia it’s nearly every couple) where the woman is domineering and where the man seeks approval from the woman every time he tells a lame joke, makes me sick to my core. When it comes to marriage and the husband has to seek permission to maintain friendships he fostered before the marriage, well that just makes me want to burn a building (not really, calm down my loyal police and firemen readers). I know a married couple where the husband cannot even wash a load of dishes without being screamed at for using the hot water in an incorrect way. (N.B. there is no incorrect way to use a hot water system. It’s either on or it’s off, or you’re using too much hot water – but there is no fucking incorrect way to use hot water). I overheard this whole absurd argument about doing the dishes because I was at a dinner party and the married couple thought they couldn’t be heard from the hallway of this tiny-ass house. Dumb, dumb, dumb. You’re supposed to at least maintain a façade of normalcy for the world to see. 

Oh wait, I guess the wives being domineering and demonic IS normal.

It’s been a blast,